AKNN (Ayesha K News Network), Thursday, May 28th 2009
Studio: First reports just coming in from the front. We now go live to Khan, on the scene in her new Dundee apartment. Khan?
Field: Thanks so much, Ayesha. Well, it's a cold day here in Dundee -- but then again, it's cold the vast majority of the year. The garrulous driver who got me from Edinburgh airport to my new flat told me that when the wind changes, it's apparently coming right the fuck from the Siberian plains via Scandinavia, and is, and I paraphrase here, colder than a brass monkey's balls in a blizzard.
Studio: That's very cold indeed, Khan.
Field: Yes it is. I had to wear gloves this morning and evening, though it was nearly T-shirt weather around lunchtime. In other news, the flat is a two-bedroom, and very unexpectedly came with a roomie -- a red-headed Texan Ass-Prod --
Studio: I'm sorry, that must have gotten garbled. Did you say ass prod?
Field: Yes, Ayesha; that's what we in the industry call an Assistant or Associate Producer. Anyway, she arrived last weekend and was also very surprised to find out she was going to have a housemate. However, the view from the flat's balcony is quite nice, and it's less than a thirty-minute walk from work.
Studio: Which is a good thing, as you're unlikely to get a car, yes?
Field: Damn straight, Ayesha.
Studio: And how are you finding Dundee so far?
Field: Full of history, of course, but this is Europe, where it comes from, as Mr. Izzard says. The oldest British man-o'-war still afloat, the Frigate Unicorn, is moored literally down the street from where I am. I can see it from my balcony, and it's very impressive-looking. A few shopping centers, that could be from anywhere in the world. Lots of pubs, but few that serve any food after eight p.m., which feels strange. Also, all the shops close by five-thirty or so.
Studio: The question arises of when the hell they think anyone has time to go shopping.
Field: Rather what I was asking myself. The flat comes with a television, but the quaint British basic package only includes four channels, and at any one time three seem to be playing news or talk shows discussing Parliamentary scandals.
Studio: And are you familiar with the issues being discussed therein?
Field: Less familiar than a scorpion with a bathing costume, Ayesha.
Studio: With a?
Field: Swimsuit, in Limey. Do you realize this entire country contains only five million people?
Studio: Holy crap, Khan.
Field: Exactly. Reporting from Dundee, this is Khan, in search of emotional and intellectual stimulation, and hopefully a good-looking if probably orthodontically-challenged Scots boy or three to take home and corrupt. Not all at once, of course. And now, back to the studio. Ayesha?
Studio: Thank you very much for joining us, and good night.
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AKNN Saturday morning, 30 May 2009
Studio: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! We have a scheduled call with our field reporter in Dundee, where it's still this morning -- let's see how Khan is doing.
Field: ohmygodShhhhhhhhhhh
Studio: ....Khan?
Field: Kill meeeeee
Studio: ....Er. Perhaps we should try to catch up with our field reporter, um.... another time.
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AKNN Monday, 1 June 2009
Studio: We have a dispatch from field reporter Khan, to share with you today while she's at work:
( CLOSE-UP OF DISPATCH )
People I have learned never to try to keep up with when drinking heavily:
Aussies
Midwestern and Northwestern farm-raised boys
Older Pakistani upper-class businessmen
That dude Dave from the Burren
The British -- SWEET BABY G THE BRITISH ESPECIALLY THE SCOTCH WHAT DO THEY FEED THESE FUCKERS
Studio: Um... Thank you, and good night.
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In related news: I miss you all.
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